Depressed!

I am so depressed and angry all the time now… i feel like my life has no meaning and my whole family would be better off if I would have just died rather than havin the docs save me…:frowning: my family don’t deserve to be on eggs always not knowing how or who i am going to be today… Between what feels like multiple personalities and anger issues and the depression i don’t know how much more i can take… sorry to unload on ya’ll… but i have no where else to turn…:frowning:

Try to find a Neuropsychologist in your area. Its worked wonders for me. They really understand whats going on inside your head physically and emotionally. Dont let things get out of control. Go talk to somebody so you can feel better. I’m here too if you need someone to listen.

Michelle,

NBuddle wrote exactly what I would write. I totally understand how you feel because I have times when I feel the same way, but we were saved for a reason…maybe you don’t know the reason today…but you will…

Are you on a anti-depression med? If not, you need to see a Neuropsychologist to get you to feel better.

And as NBuddle wrote, if you need a friend…I’m here for you!

Keep the Faith!

Hi Michele. If you had arthritis you would not be ashamed of it. So why be ashamed of a brain injury/epilepsy…depression is quite common after brain surgery. Tell your family you need to find a new doctor or therapist who specializes in brain injuries. As always I am praying for you!

Hi Michelle! Yes the surgery and it’s after effects are nothing but life changing… I won’t lie to you… and I caught myself saying the same thing that everyone would be better off today if I just died in surgery. It was pointed out that too many people would miss me, people would be affected in ways that I couldn’t prevent and it was a very easy out for me… But that didn’t happen. We both survived and we might never know the reason for it but there is a purpose. While we all have our circumstances regarding our respective AVMs, it’s imperative that we keep fighting and living and showing them all. Multiple personalitis, anger issues, depression… probably the best advice to better deal with this (and I know a lot of other members have said this as well) is to seek out good counsel. A neuropsychologist was mentioned by NBuddle and I would recommend that as well. The good thing is that they are most likely to understand issues related to your surgery. At least look into it (can’t hurt) and let us know if it’s helping. Best of luck in everything and if you ever need to reach out, I’m here.

thank you all… I called and found a counselor in my area that helps with brain injuries… I just hope we can get these issues under control… Its holdin me back from my family/friends and I want to be strong but as you all know its hard sometimes after you have injuries to the brain… I had to go to the er a couple nights ago the seizures got so bad, and now i am just tired and hurtin from all the tensing up… God bless all of ya’ll and thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Michelle, we all understand how you feel and many of us have felt the same way. You are doing the right thing by seeking someone who is familiar with brain injuries. Always feel free to vent here like you did. That’s what we’re all here for. I hope you start feeling better soon!

Michelle,

I haven’t been on this website for some time as I have been busy helping my husband who is recovering from a stroke (the result of AVM’s and craniotomy surgery in December 2010, followed by hydrocelphalus and another operation to fit a shunt in April. (he was in hospital for Xmas and Easter.) I don’t know how you feel but I am sure my husband does as he has vented the exact issues that you are have and has also felt that he wished they hadn’t saved him. (he was in surgery for 9 hours and it is only recently that the surgeon told us they nearly lost Dave twice during that time) Our lives have changed so much and I am trying to come to terms with the fact that it seems to have changed his personality and it has affected everyone in our family. I know from Dave’s experience that it is hard and that you can only take one day at a time. Keep going along your journey, one day you will look back and realise that you have come a long way and I wish you all the luck in the world, don’t give up.

Hi Michelle,
Crumbs you are having a tough time.
I have suffered depression since 18, I’m 42 now, and totally understand the hopelessness and despair you sound like you have been going through. I have only known about my AVM since February 2011. Depression is a horrible illness and it’s hard for people who have never experienced it to understand the ups and downs and sometimes deep downs that people with depression suffer, AVM or no AVM.
It sounds like you are taking the first steps to getting yourself better - keep going and take any help that’s offered. You are getting in touch with a Counsellor, which a brave first step and it could be a hard, long slog, it’s not a quick fix, and sometimes gets worse before it gets better. But having been through depression and counselling I can say that the hard times were hideous and the good times get better, and better and better. I have had dark thoughts, but can say thank goodness for all the wonderful memories I have had since not giving in to them. The counselling was fantastic and it took a good 5 or 6 sessions before I finally started to turn a corner.
Stay strong Michelle, you sound feisty and it’s that strength that will get you through this. My best friend, Michele funny enough, always used to say to me "you take a pill for a headache, so why don’t you take anti-depressants for depression?"
I’ll be thinking of you. This is a wonderful website and from other posts there is great advice out there in this community.
Dionne

Stay strong girl and know that you are not alone! Take steps to get the help you need and know that life is a gift and there truly is a plan. Everyone has some kind of pain, instability or problems in their life. I hate having physical limitations too and I really didn’t appreciate having to lose my job over this AVM, BUT, it happened. I know you will help others through your experience because you will UNDERSTAND what it is like. I have suffered through AVM Surgery, a broken arm, loss of use of the arm going on one year and I broke my foot two days ago because I could not catch myself with the useless arm. So keep up finding solutions and helping others and one day you will help someone just like yourself or even help science with a medical breakthrough.

Tina,

What a strong lady you are. What you wrote to Michelle is so true! Keep the Faith.

Louisa, you are so sweet! I actually helped a stroke victim who is our friend the other day. Had to go see him to get my walker back (he is using a different one) since I broke my foot and then had to borrow his wheelchair to get to his house from the driveway! LOL

He has been down since Nov 10 and really should be walking by now. I asked if he could stand and he stood up. I asked if he had tried using the walker and he said he could take about 20 steps, but, the left leg was too weak. I told him to take the left step off of the chair and use Both legs to crabwalk the wheelchair to build strentgh. A trick they taught me at Barrow Neuro Rehab. He was incredulous and said it was really helping his leg. As I sat and talked, I told him I understood what he was going thru and how important it was to do Physical Therapy. He was listening because he knew I UNDERSTOOD. Was it worth me breaking the foot? It will be if he starts walking.

Tina, your story is part of what makes this such a great group. It shows how we all are helped when we help others. Despite our limitations, we can still make an impact on someone else’s life. Good for you!



Tina said:
Louisa, you are so sweet! I actually helped a stroke victim who is our friend the other day. Had to go see him to get my walker back (he is using a different one) since I broke my foot and then had to borrow his wheelchair to get to his house from the driveway! LOL

He has been down since Nov 10 and really should be walking by now. I asked if he could stand and he stood up. I asked if he had tried using the walker and he said he could take about 20 steps, but, the left leg was too weak. I told him to take the left step off of the chair and use Both legs to crabwalk the wheelchair to build strentgh. A trick they taught me at Barrow Neuro Rehab. He was incredulous and said it was really helping his leg. As I sat and talked, I told him I understood what he was going thru and how important it was to do Physical Therapy. He was listening because he knew I UNDERSTOOD. Was it worth me breaking the foot? It will be if he starts walking.

Dear Michelle,
I was diagnosed approx. 18 months ago after a severe bleed. Spent 3 months in ICU, much of which I can’t remember.
I have had those same feelings of depression and wondering why I was saved. And then there is also the constant worry of a rebleed. Whenever I have doubt of “why”, I look to my family and friends and see that God has sparred me for a reason.
I know it can be hard at times, but find your “reason why” and stay positive!!

What you are experiencing is absaloutely normal. You will feel better over time, as the others have said, go see a neuropsychologist. You must see someone with knowledge of brain injury as it’s a specialist area. I try to objectively notice how I’m feeling from day to day and act accordingly, ignoring the days when I feel totally XXXX as they always pass. Find out what makes you feel good& get plenty of rest. What do you enjoy doing? Everyone is different, but for me it helps if I:
Spend time with animals, especially dogs. Take a bath, exericise, go for a walk.

All the best (got up at 5.30 pm today as having a tired day).
Flower
x

I say the same exact things all the time!, it was every day, then every week, now not as much! This is so normal for us special brain people! We probably are the only people that do realize how the brain controls the entire body physically and mentally, even the neurologist don’t fully understand unless they have lived it. We have to be strong every day and tell ourselves that each day we wake up and open our eyes is a good day!, we are still here for a reason, it only seems like everyone else is doing better than we are for a moment until we stop and realize there is ALWAYS someone feeling worse than we do, so we put our boots on and march through the mud and go make someone else feel not so alone and it helps…and they feel better…and we feel better…and we do it again!
Oh, and vent with me any time you want!!

hey ya’ll… alot better today… i had real bad seizures a day after i wrote this… have another appt. tomm. with my counselor to talk about solutions to gettin over this… thank you all for the kind words and thoughts… it means so much to have all you here that understand and know whats going on… god bless you all!

So sorry about the seizure today. Keep looking for the solution and in the meantime I will keep praying for you!