Fighting it

how do you fight the depression
my interior monologue just keeps yapping away
spewing negative thoughts
the true question is really how do you keep out the negative ideas and thoughts?

Great question and something doctors do not really prepare us for. Someone people recommend medication, some recommend therapy, others just family and friends. I think Liam had a great post on how he was able to deal with it.

my doctor put me on Paxil when I was in rehab. it works and I will never go off it.

Nancy…are you on paxil or paxil cr? Doc put me on CR (timed release) not sure which is better?! Thanks, carolyn

For me I just try to think positive and when things start to get me down I just pray. It is amazing how God can lift your spirits especially when no one else can. :slight_smile: But of course in the beginning it was so much harder than what it is now. I hope things will get easier for you with time.

Time definitely does heal all wounds. Everyone prepares you for the physical stuff, but no one prepares you for the mental stuff. I take Zoloft. I went on this about six months after my surgeries. I kept having panic attacks and major anxiety. That helped, but again, time really does help this situation as well.


I’m not even the one with the AVM (my daughter had a bleed a year ago) and I still get overwhelmed and cry about it. The school called me yesterday thinking that she might have had a seizure and I wsa struggling to remain calm, but I felt like I was in a spiral. Life is just changed forever. I try not to think of all the things that could have happened or could happen and just live and value my family and experiences. You can’t pretend all the bad, scarey stuff isn’t there, but you can focus on the good stuff.

Depression has been an issue for me since before my AVM was diagnosed, or before I even suspected that I may be dealing with some type of physical trauma. I had just gradated from college at the time that I started having symptoms related to my AVM, but around the same time, I started having odd mental difficulties. These were as broad as having difficulty with short-term memory, concentration, or even just keeping a level mood. At the time, my parents, who were living nearly 400 miles away, were convinced that I was just under a lot of stress and not dealing with it well and that my physical symptoms were directly related. Turns out it was an AVM in my left temporal lobe. Go figure, huh?

After my AVM was diagnosed and eventually judged by the neurosurgeon to be a non-issue, I went on with my life, but continued to deal with physical and mental symptoms, the most significant of which were depression and outbursts of hostility. I went to a therapist for a while and was placed on Lexapro. The combination of the two seemed to help, but I was never “perfect” so to speak, just a bit more leveled-out.

Following my surgery (and I mean immediately following!) I was very short-tempered and would bounce back and forth between being angry and frustrated and sometimes wishing I hadn’t survived the surgery. I was sent to see a psychiatrist, but the guy was a complete jerk and all he wanted to do was put me on medications… No therapy or counseling of any type, just drugs. So I wanted nothing to do with him as it was even more frustrating to deal with. There are only a few things that have helped throughout the almost 10 years of difficulties that I have been going through since I first started having mental and emotional trouble: 1. Friends and family and 2. Being able to get my thoughts, fears and frustrations out through music. Some members here may be aware, but I was in a band back when my AVM was first diagnosed and have been continuing to work on my own solo music for the last 5+ years. I recorded my own CD and completed it back in December 2004, which was just about a month before I ended up back in the hospital due to more damage from my AVM. Most of the lyrics are dark and/or angry, and while they do touch on more subjects than just my medical issues, many of them come as a direct result of the emotional issues caused from my AVM.

I started working on a second CD in 2005, but was put on a pretty bit hold when I had my surgery. I am now in the process of working on new songs. My wife has often complained about how my songs are so negative and says I should try to get over it and work on something less depressing. Understandable. I can see how someone may view this as just being down on myself and angry at the world, but what she (and many others) fail to realize is that it is my form of dealing with the things that have been difficult for me.

If anyone is curious to read some of my lyrics from my first CD, they can all be found at

when i first woke from surgery,
i was angry with everyone and everything in the world…why hadnt God just let me die…instead of put me through this i couldnt walk…talk or feed myself or even toilet myself…i just wanted to be dead…as time past i came to terms with what had happened and things began to improve…i have found this journey to be a very spirtitual journey…and i manage to keep my spirts up…using visualisation and relaxation/ breathing techniques …i also have reiki once a week and find this does wonders for both my emotional and physical wllbeing…give it a try you will find something that works for you…another thing i do as soon as a negative thought enters my head is say “go…i only think positive happy thoughts” you will soon realise that you are able to conrol the thoughts…best of luck hope this helps…stay happy