Hospital humour

This cracked me up:

I think the funniest personal hospital experience I had was with my first ‘disposable urine bottle’ (they’re made of recycled paper fibre… I’m pretty sure they were invented by the same rocket scientist who came up with screen doors for submarines.) Needless to say - I also experienced my first sponge bath shortly thereafter.

What are your funny personal hospital experiences or favorite hospital joke sites?


For one my ICU nurse was a tall male named “Barney”. All I could think of was a big purple dinosaur. But I have to say that he was the best nurse I had, ever!

The other funny thing that happened was after I came home from the hospital after my brain hemorrhage, I was in alot of pain and I was having back spasms. I needed help walking around. They said that it was from the blood in the spinal fluid. So that night I got up to go to the bathroom and I was able to walk to the bathroom by myself, and my shirt was wet. Come to find out where they took out the staples in my head was leaking. The Dr. thought that it might be spinal fluid so I was rushed back to the hospital. I loved not being in pain and being able to walk around by myself. The Dr. ended up putting a couple of stiches in the hole that was leaking. I had to stay the night at the hospital for observation. When they sewed up the hole the pain & spasms returned. When I got to my hospital room I had to go to the bathroom so I needed my husbands help. When my husband was supporting me as I was standing up my husband was talking to me. And I started yelling at him saying “What did you eat?” He replied “Nothing, why?” I said “Because your breath stinks!” He was so embarrassed because he said that everyone on the floor could hear me and know that he had bad breath. LOL! Pain will make you say crazy things!

I remember when i first had my hemorrhage, i was at an over crowded public hospital before i was flown home… The doctor whos doing rutine rounds ask me if anything was wrong? I said…oh just half paralysis on d right said…n d doctor answered me ’ who told u so’ in an angry face… i had a shock face on and i said…“errr… well i cant move my right side?”. My dad was so worried after that and tried to arranged a flight back home…not humorous.

Two little boys are in a hospital and are lying next
to each other. The first boy leans over and asks,
“What are you in here for?”
The second replies, “I’m in here to get my tonsils
out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first boy says, “You’ve got nothing to worry
about. I had that done to me once. They put you to
sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of
jello and ice cream. It’s a piece of cake!”
The second boy then asks, “What are you in here for?”
The first boy replies, “Well, I’m here for a
circumcision.” The second says, “Whoa! I had that
done when I was born.
I couldn’t walk for a year!!!”

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, “What have you done to enter Heaven?”
“I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord’s babies into the world.”

“Good enough to enter the gates,” replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.

“I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor.” St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.

The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, “I am a director of a HMO.”

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, “Fine, you can enter Heaven… but only for 2 days.”

I loved when I was in ICU after my bleed when the nurses would come in like every 30 minutes and and asked me if I knew where I was at…and I would respond with things like the circus, hell, prison etc…LOL the look on their face was PRICELESS!!!

Kristynn… that’s classic! I totally plan to use that when I wake up from my next embolization.

Ok… my curiosity outweights my concern of ‘cleanliness’ on this one… I say go for it Peter.

Man… I want your stories!

Case in point…

I was saving this one for later (sometime after Jo has her angiogram done so that I don’t scare her any more than I already have)… but what the heck.

I was seen by a newbie doctor during my last angiogram; in fact, so new that I was his very first angiogram. He was being overseen by a more ‘slightly’ more senior doctor, who herself was still fairly fresh out of the wrapper.

While trying to explain the correct entry point and technique for inserting the catheter into the femoral artery, she instructed him to feel for the point of strongest pulse. He was having difficulty doing so because of all the scar tissue from previous angiograms. Despite her impatient sighs and other passive aggressive gesturing of impatience and disapproval, he eventually found it… but he was getting noticeably rattled (his hands were shaky).

She then instructed him to ‘splay’ his fingers to insert the catheter. Followed by a “no, your doing it wrong”, and a very shakey “well, this is the only way I know how to ‘splay’!!!”… The bartender (anaesthesiologist), being completely dumbfounded by all this had missed his stage queue. So, as the local anaesthetics were being applied in a less than gentle manner, I finally spoke up about how I’m feeling a little too sober to be here. Unfortunately, I spoke too late.

The senior(ish) doctor immediately began slapping my thigh to keep my mind distracted from being stabbed repeatedly in the groin (Jedi mind trick??) – all the while making this poor young lad more nervous by the moment. All I could think was how I really hoped karma would give her a serious dose of humility before she goats this guy into accidentally giving me a vasectomy.

Be careful what you wish for… at that moment, she lost her focus, missed my thigh and gave my nuts a good solid smack! Needless to say, I instinctively shot up like a bold with wide teary eyes looking straight at a VERY red face. No words needed to be said at that point… karma delivered.

I was thinking of slapping her back… but was afraid that in her world that might have been considered foreplay :slight_smile:

In truth, I laughed. Granted it was at my expense, but the poetic justice wasn’t lost on me.

As a regular patient, my exposure is fairly limited to what goes on beyond the proverbial curtain… I fain to imagine what your wife must see!


I think I’m finally at that stage in life where the subtleties of human interaction have penetrated my perception… as a novilty, it’s still very fastinating to me - and VERY funny at times.

Hey Sean, Jo should be ok, she’s not got a penis

I really want you to! lol

After my sons surgery the nurses/doctors would come into his room every 15 or twenty minutes to shine a tiny flashlight in his eyes. He did not like it and at one point in the night a young doctor came in, brought the flashlight up just in time for Austin to snatch it from him and shine it in his face. It was great and to see him that spunky eased our minds! Thanks for starting this discussion, I haven’t laughed this hard in a while.