Motivating My Son -- Help Please!

Hey all just broke up with bf don with avm is 29 on keppra for seizures. He’s Moody agigtated emotional and irritated. Bought the house for me and him but unfortunately I moved in sooner rather than later 9 yrs with bf. Hes a night person and I a day trying to get him motivation to get a job and with grandkids over 10&7 got irritated with them cuz he has not sleeping in. He needs to get a job to help me out any suggestions it’s always a confrontation with him told him he don’t like it move out his response was you gotta evict me after all I have done for him ungrateful piece of crap.suggestiond Please!!!¡

Hi there @poodlepamm,

I can really empathise with you that this situation has been building up tension and stress for you and it is really difficult as the carer in the situation. We are all here to support you and your son through this very difficult time.

I am 23 and I had to pause my studies and move back to my family home last summer. I honestly could not work, not with how I felt. I slept most of the time and a day out would leave me completely burnt out for days.

When it came to depression and anxiety, that was a roller coaster for me too. Maybe my experience can help explain your sons behaviour. I really hope you don’t take this at all wrongly the purpose is purely to help you relate and understand his perspective. For me as my health deteriorated aswell as being on anti-seizure medication it also affected my moods: I felt drowzy all the time, quick to get frustrated and emotionally unstable. Ontop of that the memory loss issues, total blanks in my memory.

I had trouble concentrating or focusing on anything so conversation became difficult. I really had to focus really hard, and it felt stressful and exhausting rather than enjoyable like before. I particularly got frustrated when nagged or told what to do in a way I found patronizing or not understanding. I felt pathetic already having lost my ability to focus, enjoy socialising like before, do things I once enjoyed or do things that gave me a sense of personal achievement/pride. I felt this pressure to pretend to be the person I used to be, comparing myself constantly. I felt like I was losing big parts of my identity and losing myself and that really took a toll emotionally.

As with the grandchildren over, I love kids. But when you feel drowzy, depressed and unable to focus - kids can be overwhelming. I am not trying to condone his behaviour, more give a perspective from personal experience.

I totally recognise the toll this all takes on you financially,emotionally and physically. When you feel your worst it is so easy to push away your loved ones, to close yourself in. In a way, despite it being an unhealthy mind set, it is sort of to protect them from yourself. As my self worth dropped and my depression became harder to handle, I felt more and more unworthy of support.

I could have gotten the whole situation wrong but I can only share what I know from personal experience. I have been difficult myself with my parents, and apeared ungrateful when they pushed with good intentions.

Going to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) really helped me. If you could see if this is available for your son and you (for individual sessions) on your health insurance or if there are mental health services available to you covered by local services/charities. Counselling could also be good for you, to give you a safe space to vent and let out all of your emotions. Especially after going through a break up after such a long time and your financial stress ontop of what is already an overwhelming situation. CBT didn’t change my health condition but it helped give me tools to cope better with my situation and find solutions to issues I could do something about. It was also very useful having a impartial, non judgemental professional to talk to who I could talk completely openly with about my emotions and how I was coping weekly. I really appreciated how he would talk to me too, totally validated my feelings and didn’t ever talk to me in a patronizing tone. He made me feel understood and despite my condition and how I was coping, it didn’t effect how he talked to me, I felt talked to like a 23 year old adult woman. The sense of normalicy really helped.

Since my AVM was reduced by 90% through a major operation last month and I was able to wean off the anti-seizure medication. I feel more myself than I ever did before. A new clarity and new energy levels. I still grow tired with too much visual stimulation (My AVM is in my sight centre) but still a big differance in energy levels and focus. I can finally focus on a conversation with my parents and I feel a lot calmer for it - I fully enjoy conversations now! I have apologised and told my parents how grateful I am to them for supporting me through all the good and bad. Now im out of it, it is alot easier to recognise things from their side. I feel this journey has brought us closer than ever and I feel so blessed to have their unconditional love.

They have also worked over time to learn how to address issues with me, how to talk to me without making me feel patronsized and whilst validating my feelings and how to respect healthy boundaries - that I am an adult now regardless of my conditon. It didn’t happen over night improving communication and its not always perfect but we have now reached a much better place. I make an effort to show appreciation, gratitute and also be open about my feelings and how im managing. But I found it almost impossible to stay calm when I felt attacked, misunderstood or patronized.

Despite the communication issues, during my darkest times, my love for my parents was truely the only thing keeping me going. I couldn’t do it to them despite how unhappy I was. I felt like a burden to my boyfriend of the time, I felt like a failure and loser and a bum living back at home and not being able to work. But my parents never made me feel like a burden and never left my side. That is something I will never forget and never be able to repay them enough for but I will do all I can to return that love and support.

Please reach out to friends, family, mental health services, and us here for as much support as you can get. You need support to be able to support your son and to be able to stay healthy and cope yourself. Ofcourse we are all here for you too. You are never alone in this journey, we all stand together and support one another.

Are there any family members or friends you can reach out to help out financially until your sons benefits come through?

I have the upmost respect for AVMer family members and carers. You are honestly superheros sticking by us on this difficult and turbulent journey. We can be very difficult and sometimes take your support for granted but in the end it really makes all the differance. You may feel powerless at times but the effort you make really does mean the world.

With improved communication and more support, things will get better. Never hesitate to reach out to us here. I am sure alot of carers and family members can relate to how your feeling and will reach out too.

sending floods of positive energy and best wishes,


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Hey there @poodlepamm! Thanks for sharing! I would strongly suggest checking to see if there are other options. I have been on Keppra, Lyrica, and now Trileptal. I switched from Keppra specifically because of suicidal thoughts. That was not typical for me at all so I asked my doctor. They indicated that Keppra can cause those thoughts. Switched me to Trileptal and I’m fine. Praying y’all have a good day! Press on!


Hey Paul thx he was on something else over summer had cause a seizure think he feels comfortable being on this but will suggest to him . Thx

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You are most welcome! I’ve been on Keppra, Lyrica, and now Trileptal. They all have side effects and certainly interact differently with your specific chemistry. Hope it all works well for you guys. Grace and peace!

Hi PoodlePam,
I have to say as a parent with a child who has had an AVM rupture, I find it challenging to see her so unmotivated & the hard facts are that she can’t help it. Her rhythm of differentiation between day and night has also been affected so she finds it’s difficult to sleep at night and gets anxious at this time. She sleeps late and into the day. We have slowly bought this back by 15 minutes each night and waking 15 minutes early but it took many months & she still fights it.
I know it’s really tough & I can feel that you are deeply frustrated and frightened by your sons behaviour & financial situation.
I can only suggest that you try to reach out for support, financial in the short term & psychologically for you both in the long term. The more you understand the stronger you can be.
I wish you all the best.