Surviving

My Dear AVM family,
Happy Thanksgiving It has been a long time since I’ve talked with you last. This AVM stuff has killed my life. I wish I could be the positive person you all love to hear. But the truth is life has been impossible since the onset of this thing.I had my surgery two years ago , they did get all of this nasty thing in my head.I am grateful for that. However, the recovery was a huge up hill climb. My husband of 27 years carried me through this whole nightmare. he helped me learn how to walk again, feed me , bath me, exercised my legs every night. In the meantime, cleaned our 2600 sq ft. home, cooked my meals, you name it. Durning my recovery time the mounds of medical bills arrived. My husband , who was now retired, paid the bills out of our much needed life saving account. It took me two years to get my mind back on track. I realized that I was getting well and wow, we were broke! My husband never said a word. He did it all with love in his heart and a smile on his face. He was truly amazing. However he was a mans man and felt he needed to re-enter the working world. So off he went to Bosnia, to make some money. He has been away for seven months. I took this time to conqure the last of this AVM stuff. You see, I was still having bad headaches. I went back to Az. I spent this past summer getting off all the bloody drugs they had me on. The detox was a hard night mare. I did it, stopped my head aches and I was now drug free and could join my husband in Bosnia. I decided to visit my daughter before I left. I flew to New York and was having a wonderful time. Until that Mondayafternoon, Oct. 26th, 2009 . My son called from home and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach occured hearing his broken little boy voice. (My son is 30)Mom,Dad was in a meeting and fell over with a heartattack and died mom, Helpppppppppp my world crashed. The pain from my avm was nothing compared to this. The next two weeks were a bluur. My husband body was flown home and he was given a full military service. No words can describ how I feel. I lived and he died. Life is not fair. This sucks!!I also have to sell our family home now. Can’t afford it on my own. So my dear friends, somrtimes in life, your AVM. is not the worst to come. God help me, I’m scared. I’m alone. Avm free, and my best friend six feet under. I can’t help but think that all the stress from this killed him. Why and how does God choose who lives and who dies? Please pray for my dear husband this Thanksgiving that he has a safe journey. May God bless you all, thank you for letting me vent. Hold onto your husbands, wifes, children, mother’s and fathers this Thanksgiving and tell them you love them and how much your thankful for all they do. May God Bless you all
Happy Thanksgiving Sending Angel light and love

Donna, You have brought tears to my eyes with that story. I am so wiser just by reading your story. So sorry for your loss and all that you have been through in your life. There are never any easy answers for why God does the things he does. I will pray for you and your family.

Thank you Heidi,
I pray that my life lessons will help others. I wish someone had told me.
Alone and lost …

Heidi Woodsum-Santiago said:

Donna, You have brought tears to my eyes with that story. I am so wiser just by reading your story. So sorry for your loss and all that you have been through in your life. There are never any easy answers for why God does the things he does. I will pray for you and your family.

Ohh Donna, I am so, so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you during this most difficult time. I am crying as I write this and know first hand what you mean about it destroying your life. BUT remember please that your husband did what he did for you out of love and that makes him a very special angel. I am sure that he is in heaven right now wanting to take your pain away.
I will light two candles today, one for you and one for your husband.
Please lean on us in this trying time and feel free to contact me individually any time.
Susan

OMG im so sorry to hear that. If theres anything i can do to help i will. I know that i dont know you, but youve already been threw so much. Im so sorry

Donna. I am so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a wonderful man and wonderful husband. The very best kind of human being. How lucky you were to have had all of that time with him. I know you are devastated. And there isn’t anything we can say to make that better. But from how you describe him, I have no doubt that you were a very loved wife and a lucky woman. I hope those wonderful memories you have bring you a little comfort.

Hang in there!
Shalon

Donna ,
I totally cried reading your story. I don’t know what to say, I am so so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. All I can think of is that God needed your dear husband as an angel in heaven. Bless you and know that someone in Tennessee is thinking of you right now and is sending you long distance hugs!!

Dear Donna, I wish to send you love and good energy. You have gone thru too much. Your spouse was a very special person, and he loved you very much. I am fortunate to have the same, because without that support and love, we may not have survived. First I want to say, God didn’t do this to you, or your husband. Life is somewhat of a mystery to us but what happens to us; comes from us and our thinking. With all the pain you went thru and the fear your spouse also felt; brought situations that were not welcome, not welcome at all. But there is a purpose. Know he is in a place of peace. Know you have to find strength in yourself and the love of your family. There is something you still have to do; people to influence, or to help and to love. You are special that is why, you are here. God loves you very much. May I suggest Dr. Wayne Dyer, he has written 30 books regarding our lives. I also got into Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch, Marianne Wiiliamson on A Course In Miracles; any of these writers are a positive inforcement that life is good, and they are very good at that positive message. Someone once told me that all thoughts are prayer. From then on I started to pay attention to my thought. This has kept me going, you see my grandpa and my dad, both died of a brain anerysum. So Love yourself all else will fall into place. Start a journal it can be your best friend too. Love Linda TA

Linda Tasa-Andrychuk said:

Dear Donna, I wish to send you love and good energy. You have gone thru too much. Your spouse was a very special person, and he loved you very much. I am fortunate to have the same, because without that support and love, we may not have survived. First I want to say, God didn’t do this to you, or your husband. Life is somewhat of a mystery to us but what happens to us; comes from us and our thinking. With all the pain you went thru and the fear your spouse also felt; brought situations that were not welcome, not welcome at all. But there is a purpose. Know he is in a place of peace. Know you have to find strength in yourself and the love of your family. There is something you still have to do; people to influence, or to help and to love. You are special that is why, you are here. God loves you very much. May I suggest Dr. Wayne Dyer, he has written 30 books regarding our lives. I also got into Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch, Marianne Wiiliamson on A Course In Miracles; any of these writers are a positive inforcement that life is good, and they are very good at that positive message. Someone once told me that all thoughts are prayer. From then on I started to pay attention to my thought. This has kept me going, you see my grandpa and my dad, both died of a brain anerysum. So Love yourself all else will fall into place. Start a journal it can be your best friend too. Love Linda TA

donna,
i am so sorry to hear what has happened to your husband…after all hehas done for you i can understand why you feel so angry and upset and it all just doesnt make any sense …my prayers are with you …your husband will make a beautful angel…he will be looking down on you taking care of you …just remember he is still with you every step you take in this life he will be right be your side…many condolences and a big hug xox

Alicia said:

donna,
i am so sorry to hear what has happened to your husband…after all hehas done for you i can understand why you feel so angry and upset and it all just doesnt make any sense …my prayers are with you …your husband will make a beautful angel…he will be looking down on you taking care of you …just remember he is still with you every step you take in this life he will be right be your side…many condolences and a big hug xox

Dear Donna—words can not express my sorrow for your loss. Your husband did what he did(going to Bosnia) because he loved you and wanted to do his best for you. I hope you can celebrate the life you shared together–although I know your heart is broken. My husband of 17 years left me with a non-brain but hemorrhaging, untreated AVM because he didn’t want to get stuck with my medical bills since at that time my insurance would not pay for treatment. Many people are praying for you. God bless Kimberly

Reagan’s Parents-Ross & Chiante said:

Alicia said:
donna,
i am so sorry to hear what has happened to your husband…after all hehas done for you i can understand why you feel so angry and upset and it all just doesnt make any sense …my prayers are with you …your husband will make a beautful angel…he will be looking down on you taking care of you …just remember he is still with you every step you take in this life he will be right be your side…many condolences and a big hug xox

Im so sorry you went though all this…life is hard…I feel so sad knowing that you went through this…
But you have to remember he was with you in those hard moments of you recovery …Happy Thanksgiving day too…

My dear AVM family. You have all given a big hug with you comments. Thank you so much. Your loving support has given me back faith in human kind. I’m so thankful for my AVM. family. You are always here through the worst times in my life. I will take all that you have said and try to move forward through these next few months and holidays. I know I have more to do on this earth . That is the reason I am still here. I hope that it will be shown to me so I can get to it. I will forever ask WHY? and forever get silence. We are not to question WHY they say? Sometimes in life we just have to go on faith!So with all that said from my home to yours have a wonderful holiday season. Hug those family members and tell them every day how much they are loved. Because it is true, when the time is right they will be taken from this world. You hear it but I’m living it! Love one another! Sending Angel light and love

Hi Donna,

my prayers to you and your family. I think God gave you quite the gift in having such a wonderful husband, which makes the loss even greater. you really honored his spirit in describing how amazing he was, sounds like a truly wonderful person. When the time is right, please consider a support group for widowers, it can help lighten the grief a little and many towns seem to have them. My mom died at 54, and my dad was a mess for a few years. He finally found great support by talking with a friend’s sister who had lost her husband to cancer. It really helped him because she ‘got it’, the loss of a spouse is really tough. I’m sorry for your pain and hope the good memories, over time, help ease the pain. Also, a pastor once told me ‘it’s okay to be angry with God, He can handle it’. I liked that truth.

prayers, Sharyn

Hi Donna,
I read your blog this morning before going to work and had tears in my eyes and was unsure of how to reply but at the same time I want to reply something. At thanksgiving it is difficult when you have lost a loved one and others are wishing you a happy thanksgiving. It is just almost incomprehensible to feel you can be happy. I lost my first child on Nov. 19th, 25 years ago. He was stillborn and as the nurse wheeled me to the car and said those awful words, “Happy Thanksgiving”, (awful at the time) tho I’m sure it wasn’t intended that way. I felt as if I had been slapped in the face. Very difficult and time goes on…I am so very sorry for the pain you must feel on this first thanksgiving without your husband and hope something somehow can bring you a bit of joy during your day. Maybe even something small that can bring a happy memory of a moment in time that you had with him or a time when he made you laugh. I never got to know my child and did not have even one moment with him alive on this earth. God has blessed me twice since with (2) sons and my 1st grandbaby is coming next April, a girl :-). It is awesome you had such a caring husband to see you thru your health problems. There is a hym we sang at church this past Sunday and tho we sing it often, with thanksgiving upon us, it is so true. It says, Glory to the name of the Lord, Glory to his name, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, glory to your name. That is the way it seems. He gives and takes away and it is not clear why at the time but I do wish you peace and comfort this thanksgiving as I am sure your husband would want that for you. Best wishes to you - Dawn

Donna, I am so very, very sorry to hear about your husband. I will Keep you in my prayers.

Love, Connie

Donna,words cant describe how very sorry i am for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

Dear Donna,
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. There is no words I could say to take your pain away but know your husband was an Angel on earth and now an Angel along side GOD still looking over his family. My tears right now are for you and your family and may GOD bless you all.

My Dearest AVM family,
I made it through Thanksgiving and now I’m back home again. I drove up to our home and first thing I saw was the big for sale sign in the yard. My world crashed again. I now need to sell my home(short sale) at that and try to move on. My husband did not die a rich man, but I will be ok. Just can’t afford this house anymore. It is his way of saying get on with your life I’m not their any more. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I have lost two brothers, both parents…and many friends. This is by far a night mare. This sucks. Now Christmas, God help me. I cried the other day in the market . They were playing I’ll have a Blue Christmas without you. My poor dog doesn’t know what to do when I cry on him. Every one keeps asking if I am ok, I just say yes. But I’m thinking Nooooooooo can’t you see my pain!
Thank you all for your loving concerns. You are all so amazing. We are all on this journey together. I pray you are all feeling well today and ask for special blessing for all my AVM family.
Sending Angel Light And Love to all, d