I honestly hate my life. And telling my mom makes her mad because she thinks I should be happy that I’m alive. Honestly I don’t want to be here. I go through way too much, and I don’t deserve half of it. My life is like a sad song. Or a romance movie gone bad. I hate it. I hate with a passion that burns like the sun. I’m tired of being afraid, and I’m tired of being hurt by the ones I care about. I lost my boyfriend to some slut, and I think my best friend hates me. I have no idea what I’ve done to be treated like this. Not that I want my boyfriend back, but we were together for a year. Like, that’s hard to get over. I gave up so much for him, he was all I thought about. Like, I wish I would have known that this was going to happen. I hate him. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate basically everything. If I could choose to live or die. It would have been to die, while I was in the hospital. Everybody’s lives would be less complicated, and I wouldn’t be hurt all the time. I HATE EVERYTHING. Now all you people are going to think I’m stupid, ungrateful, selfish, rude, or a bitch. But I don’t care anymore. I’m done with all the crap I go through. I hate it all.

Awww Brooke :frowning: It’s ok to vent-no one knows what you’re going through & this is such a difficult thing for you to deal with right now! I haven’t even started treatment yet & have just been waiting on my AVM for the past six years and to let you know, I’ve felt so many same emotions as you!! My boyfriend recently just broke up with me too & it was partly because he said if my AVM bled or something happened with treatment that he didn’t want to deal with it! I don’t think you are anything you had said about yourself. You are a wonderful person and just trying to figure out how to deal with this all! Please know life will get better-try to stay positive as hard as it is right now!! Please feel free to email me if you would like to if you want to vent or talk anytime!! We are all here for you & understand your pain!

thank you. so very much.

Hi Brooke,

I really don’t know how to help you feel better in your situation. I don’t think anyone can say or suggest anything–you feel how you feel. Anyone (like your Mom or us) who says “you shouldn’t feel that way” are probably just trying to help you, and don’t have any other good ideas to offer either.

Some (most?) men are pigs! Probably especially young men. But it’s not limited to age–we’ve had friends who in their 40’s/50’s the man decides he wants out of a relationship, and leaves an attractive, devoted, and loving wife for someone else–a dream I guess.

My wife of 33 yrs has had many surgeries and embolizations to treat her AVM (gone now thank God!). I would never ever consider leaving her based on her medical conditions. Hopefully, you can link up with a similar man.

My best wishes,
Ron, KS

You’re welcome…I know you’re scared & we’re here for you :slight_smile:

Hey Brooke, I also don’t think ‘anything bad’ about you at all. Living with an AVM just sucks!! I have felt just like you have felt Brooke, didn’t want to live, didn’t want to do anything as I hated my brain, my life, my everything. The “Love of my life” told me to get out just 16mths after a crainiotomy with brain damage!
You are a wonderful young woman even though I know you don’t feel that way now, truly, you will, in time, feel better. I do remember thinking that if ANYONE ELSE tells me that AGAIN, I will just scream…maybe I did lol but I’m still here, thank God! We are all here to help each other Brooke, so please, keep talking to US, to get it out of your system.

Take care you good young woman!!

Yep I get it. This hard. Worse thing ever!! Lots of days I look at my life as before AVM and now. It feels like I am watching my life unravel. BUT I am choosing to believe that I am destined for something really great. I was chosen for this test and little by little I am passing it. I am adjusting to my new normal and I will be excellent. I’m concerned about you because you are so young and just your age brings so many challenges. I have a 13 year old daughter and I see how hard it is for her so I can’t even imagine how difficult it is got you. I recommended before and I will again; start writing. It will help with the hate and anger. Xo

I’ve said the same thing about wishing I died in the hospital. But you didn’t and while you might never know why there was probably a reason for that. :slight_smile: But you’re not alone with that feeling. Like someone else on here said… AVMs suck…feelings right now are probably very strong and you have every right to feel them. What exacerbates everything is that your “boyfriend” showed his true colors and left. People will do that when you’re struggling but it helps you sort out the good from the bad. I know you don’t wanna hear this but your “boyfriend” leaving is probably the best thing to happen to you. You deserve better. Hate is a very strong emotion… anger is one thing (and you have every right) but hate can only hurt others. And btw, I don’t think you’re any of those things you said you were… just the opposite. :slight_smile: There was some wonderful advice on here and I wish you the very best!

thank you.

thank you.

thank you

thank you.

Hi Brooke I felt the same way as yo did when i first had my bleed, I was scared felt alone, been with my common-law husband for 12yrs and guess what he cheated on me while I was in the hospital but guess what I didnt let that bother me because I had to thing about myself. And like everyone said its ok to vent. Your boyfriend left you thats ok you will find someone else that will love you for who you are. Things happen for a reason. And trust me you dont hate yourself we all going thru trials and tribulation!!! we are going to be alright because we are going to put it in GODS hand and he will fix it. Bve strong and have faith because I do… I will keep you in my prayers…

I went through and feel exactly like you do and more. I am 53 and trying to survive, at least temporarily. My time is limited. You are still young and there are more things positive ahead of you. I am currently Anti social. I think all the people around me are fake with the exception of my own close knit family. This is my own purpose in life. I was told I have 9 lives. Already used up two of them. Had AVM surgery with 50 50 survival rate and diagnosed with Epilepsy. later that year, I rammed my rental car head on to a Semi Truck. I survived all that with minor injuries. I am not religious but I felt that someone up there is trying to keep me here longer. I am still needed. Currently still seeking more of that purpose in life.
I think if you focus on this path, you will find what you are looking for. Hang in there. You are special and there is a meaning in life.
This is what I do when people annoys me:

  1. Excuse my self to go to bathroom.
  2. Excuse your self walk away really quick. Example: I quickly say. opps!!! I forgot to turn the oven off or I left my keys in the car.
  3. Quickly change the conversation to deflect the attention.

Good Luck!!!


thank you.

Hey girlie, Sweet heart… Love no matter what age you are is hard. I feel your thing is so many things are happening at once and its over whelming… Let me tell you a little about my life… I am 28 yrs old, my first love we lasted 7yrs, we started dating when i was 14 just like you. Girl i was soooo in love, no one could tell me anything. I did everything for that boy. Our relationship ended because when I was 19 i found out he had got another girl pregnant and she was keeping the baby… U you that song by Usher Confession. It came out when i was going through that hard time and i swore that song was written for me. go on youtube listen and read the lyrics and thats exactly what happen to me word for word. I was so inlove with him that i excepted what he did. When the baby was born he had to be part of the babies life and i couldnt handle it so my love grew to hate. He would hug me or kiss me and i would feel sick to my stomach. until finally we called it quits and also I had lost my job at that same time. I also felt depressed and lost. I ended up in the hospital because of depression. It was bad i was depressed about being alone and didnt have money to even buy me a soda. He and I have the same friends so that really messed things up during our break up but i eventually stopped hangin with those friends and started to hang out with my other friends from school. Now 8yrs later i see him and i still have love for him but i cant stand him. NOW I am not saying thats what you going through or will go through but i only want to show you that ur not the only one that has went through a bad break up, Ive been through heart breaks at least 3 times. Now I have a good MAN, we live together and actually planning to have a baby once my sister goes home from the hospital… Here is a link to a youtube video that helped me forget and stronger. Its not the original video i remember watching but its not about the video its about what is said…

About ur stress from ur AVM. sweetie I can not relate to you because Its my sister that is in the hospital with one But i tell you this like i told you before. Be grateful they found it now and not with a bleed. My love god works in unexplainable ways be thankful, never take the blessing that he has given you for granted. life isnt meant to be perfect, if it were my sister wouldnt be in the hospital, my first love would have never cheated on me, 9/11 would have never happen. Also understand why ur mom gets upset. She I am sure worries about ur AVM and just to even think that her beautiful daughter even thinks about death is frustrating.

I hope you feel better… Here is my aim if you ever wanna chat…



here is the youtube link

thank you, & I’m sorry.

thanks, but my avm did bleed. justt saying. and that was really helpful. thank you , alot.

I have had days where I feel this way. My AVM bled and I had a grand mal which has derailed my life BUT could have been worse. I have lost relationships with friends and family, can’t do my job, and forget having a relationship. I had gamma knife and now all I can do is wait. I understand your feelings. All I can tell you is what I believe and what will get us through all of this. Wake up each day and focus on being here, recognizing the people who are still present to hold our hands through the tests and stresses, and learn to enjoy the things you still CAN do more than before. I never knew what I took for granted in life until this happened. I am 34 and the mom of a 15 year old. I can’t imagine being so young with this kind of burden. You are amazing and strong and I am thankful for your posts I have read. I know I am not alone in this. I hope your treatment goes well and remember keep your head up. <3