So my AVM was in my cerebellum, which is the part that controls balance, coordination and planning. Sometimes I do have trouble planning like what to do in a day or the order of things that I have to do to get somewhere, but those are small things in the grand scheme of things. I'm having trouble making a decision on what to do with my life now. I don't know how much my "planning" ability has been affected by this or it's just me being wishy-washy about things, but I'm having a very hard time trying to decide what to do with myself and what is the best way to get there.
I need to move out of my current rental situation because I simply can't afford it any more, but I can't make a firm decision about where and how to go about doing this!! I think that I've thought it out and come to a decision about it, but I start to have serious regrets and then people tell me their opinion and they have really great points and I end up changing my mind. And what looked like a really great decision at the time starts to look like a bad decision. And this indecision has cost me financially now, I ended up making a hasty decision while I was in a panicked state of mind (and also a pre-migraine aura of mental shakiness) and then changed my mind once I calmed down.
I spent the last few years trying to get where I am now and this AVM thing really blew my plans out of the water. I never wanted to move back "home" but it looks like the logical thing to do. But it also seems like admitting defeat., that this AVM got the best of me and won. And I don't want to give up on myself and retire to the desert (I'm only 33!!). And home is only a word, I only have one cousin out there and a couple of friends so home really isn't "home", it's just a cheap and safe alternative to the scary unknown of the future. And I'm not one to settle for safety!! So this is going against every fiber of my being, but it seems a very logical move.
My head tells me to move somewhere cheap, closer to family and friends and the safety of the known. But my heart and my uncle and a good friend are all screaming "NOOOOO don't do it!!" Seriously, my uncle told me not to go towards the light!! Meaning don't move back home!! But it's cheap and familiar... Ugghh!!
And I feel really blessed to even have this decision to make, this thing could have wiped me off the face of the earth, but it didn't so I feel a bit of survivor's guilt I guess, and that I should be happy with whatever decision I come to and maybe I should just move home and live an easy life. Or in the name of those who lost all their options, I should take a leap of faith and keep on with my original plans. But I just seem to be caught in an endless loop between these 2 decisions....
I hate being so indecisive!!!!!!!