My Wife

My wife is a very strong person and what we have been through i believe her to be my soul mate. She has her AVM plus Lupus, Fybromialgia, MS, and a hole bunch of other things work but yet she still sticks to her guns. I am on here to try to meet other spouses of survivors so i can have someone to talk to. It has actually been kinda of lonely lately because she just came back from the hospital a few weeks ago from another angiogram, and we have been having alot of problems between me and her and i am needed some advice. I know that i am not sick but I try to tell her everyday that no matter what she goes through that I am here for her and that will never change. I know sometimes she wonders why still stick around because she is so sick but to me isnt that what love is, to face what ever comes in our direction head on as a couple and to stick by eachother no matter what. I love her more than i have loved anyone in my lifetime and I always will.But there has been a distance between us two that i can not put my fingure on and when I try to ask her she says everything is fine. She talks to everyone else about her problems and she doesnt come to me anymore. I cant even get her to smile anymore, but she smiles for the people she text to and she emails to. I buy her roses every week to show here that i am still thinking of her and i message her feet and back whenever she wants me to but there feels like there is something missing. I am needing advice on how to get her to open up to me more and letting her know that i am still here for her. Any help would be appreciated.

My husband and I have had our times also. I actually think I try to push him away because of my own guilt feeling like I put him through things he does not deserve. But you are right love is what counts.

Lee Ann

I know exactly what you mean…with my husband we were only married for 4 months when we found out about my avm. I was so concerned about him and what would ever happen to him if something ever happened to me. I was not concerned at all about me…I even asked the doctor to take some extra time to talk to my husband right after we found out. I can be so distant from him and at times wonder why in the world he is even staying here with me. I can not offer much to our relationship…no job…cant have children…no degree…and sometimes I can be very short and mean to him. But that is not on purpose…sometimes I just get so sick of him looking at me as if I am someone he has to take care of. I just wish he didnt always view me as the girl that has had 2 brain surgeries and the one that has a hard time speaking and has seizures. I want to be looked at as any normal person wants…with love, compassion, and I want to be encouraged to get back out there and try to live a life that is as close to as normal as I can get. I know that it is hard to look at someone and not see their disabilities especially when you can actually see them. Or even tell by the way they are acting that they are in constant pain. I guess what I am saying is that we do still want to be loved and treated like everyone else, and there will be times when we can be, but the fact that there is an effort will help a lot. My husband and I have been in a lot of arguments lately because I feel like I am not getting encouragement from him. I am never told that i am beautiful or smart or improving in any way. I think it is so good that you are on this website trying to see what your wife is going through from someone else’s point of view. Take in all the advice that you are given and apply what ever you can to your life. I wish my husband would try that…hahah ok…it has taken me a long time to write this and re-reading it after every sentence…but that is what it takes for me to be able to communicate. I hope I was of some help to you and your wife. Just love her and show her you are NOT going anywhere. :slight_smile:

Hey, Donny-
My guess is that she may feel deep inside that she’s a burden to you. Sometimes people literally push away people they love because it validates their feelings of low esteem or insecurity. My partner has been a true blessing, but there are times where I feel like I am whining or making too much of a big deal out of the AVM-bleed outcomes.

Honestly, I’d suggest that YOU get some therapy, even if she won’t do it. It may help you to reconcile your concerns.

Well, Donny, speaking from the female point of view…there’s a good chance that the thing that is really bothering her, (and it sounds like there is something really getting her down), is probably nothing that you could even guess.
It could be an energy thing, where she is so tired and drained every day from dealing with all her medical issues and caring for 2 small children that she doesn’t have the energy to “care” about her marriage. I know that sounds terrible but I think that is what stress does to a woman. You just stop caring about the people who can look after themselves and unfortunately that is you right now. It has NOTHING to do with whether she loves you, or wants to spend the rest of her life with you. She might just be out of gas. I would try by just asking her, "What can I do to help you thru this day?"
I don’t know if you are a helper husband but simple things like helping with meals and doing the everyday chores that have to get done mean alot to a mother/wife.
Women also sometimes expect men to read their minds and when they don’t we sometimes consider them selfish. I always think that my husband of 20 years should KNOW what would make me happy but most of the time, he doesn’t have clue! LOL
Good luck and also know it is really hard to get a woman to talk when she isn’t ready. It’s not your fault. It’s that ever difficult “communication” thing that everyone struggles with over and over. AND you also have these other huge stresses to throw into the equation.
I think what you wrote about her is beautiful. I hope you have told her the same thing even if it’s in a card. :slight_smile:

you are a great man and your wife is very lucky to have you and i am sure she knows this and really appreciates you, but at times just needs her own space…i too wonder why my wonderful husband sticks by me…he has helped me learn to walk again and after my surgery had to do everything from showing and toilrting me and dressing me…but he too assures me that he loves me …after my surgery i told him i would understand if he wated to leave…as i was tottally dependant on him for everything…but he stuck by me…truly amazing…i am sure your wife does love you and appreciates all the things you do for her…but if she is anything like me…sometimes we feel guilty…and need our time to understand why we are so lucky…you are a very special person

Speaaking as a wife with an AVM, our friendss have hit it right on the target. I’m sure she’s suffering from low self-esteem, as well as fatigue and a lot of pain. You are doing a lot of things right. Just continue to tell her how much you love her and do little things to make her feel better without being asked. In my case, I love it when my husband will massage my head or neck; turn the lights low when he knows my head hurts; even just laying his cool hand on my brow.

One reason she may not be talking about her condition with you is that she’s trying not to worry you, Donny. Let her know that you care there for her and that you want to lighten her burden in any way you can.

hi Donny, yeah i agree with Connie, i split from my partner years before my bleed so can’t give any advice personnally but think everyone’s got it right.

Donny, I wish I had just the “right” words of wisdom, insight, comfort and solace…I do not. I have a different perspective because I had the avm, etc, but before that I tended to those I loved who were in dire straits with life threatening and/or debilitating “circumstances” that needed to be contended with and tended to on an ongoing basis. I discovered much about myself and others I had not noticed before and should have. I saw through “different” eyes myself and others participating in scenarios we were well equiped and trained for, until it came home to us. We all usually fall in to the same “traps” as the afflicted or the peripherally affected family member(s) be it as a spouse or not…We all need to be needed. We all need to help. We all need to attempt to fix “it”. We all need to be loved as we need to give love and have that gift appreciated, yes? There are times that we must remind ourselves that, though we are affected and the ramification, trials and tribulations are a part of “our” life and living, it is “happening” to the other person, not “to” us. There are parts we can not grasp or feel or know. It is not our job to do so. Our job, as such, as loved ones, as spouses as friends, family members, lovers is to give all the help, caring, affection, understanding possible to the one who needs it. Very hard work and sometimes difficult to continually do. More so when “we” feel un-noticed, un-appreciated, even, if not unloved, not loved in the same fashion anymore, in turn…
That is the trick, I believe. To see that opening, as all of our feelings are and remember that love, in all aspects is given by open hands with open arms from an open heart. Completely and freely given. No deposit. No return on investment expected. The treat as I see it, is that it all comes round and through and back again. It is the foundation that we stand on that allows us all to regain our balance to find our center again and strengthen our core.
You are obviously a loving, caring, strong and patient man. I so admire your resolve here. Sometimes we just have to wait for the other person to be ready. Some times that takes time, their own time. It is so strange how adversity affects us and it all becomes so different around us and we can’t quite get back to what was. Oh Donny, change can be so disconcerting and frightening and sometimes we feel distanced from what was. But, what a wonderful creation it can be when all the parts that make the whole-before and now are interwoven into the continuation …
Be good to you. Take care of you. So sorry to be so log winded. I am a wordy woman. Feel free to be wordy with me, any time you want or need. By the way, have you considered a councelor? I find that objectivity and the freedom to speak, not only on this site, but one on one, helps clear my head. Just a thought Be good to you. Take care of you. You are a good man Donny. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.