Of all the things I miss the most, I miss me. I miss the person I used to be, the person I was going to be. I miss the thought of being a comfortably retired person at the age of 55, instead I am 53 and barely making ends meet as the retirement funds have gone to pay for medical bills and daily life but I am grateful that "she" has taken such good care of me, the woman Iwas and the woman Iam today. I miss the choices I once had but embrace the tools my past has afforded me so that I can navigate my todays. I miss my ability to drive without anxiety but I am grateful that I live so close to so much and can still navigate those routes. I miss my ability to multitask the way I used to do but I am grateful that my mind is not burdened with so many responsibilites. I am grateful that the woman Ionce was is so kind to the woman I have become, she is generous with her memories, her care that she afforded others is now afforded me and her smile.
I miss the innocence of not thinking "today is the day I could die" or worse that "today is the day I could become bed ridden and a burden to those Ilove" but it has given a reason to smile more, love more and appreciate the days events like never before. I truly know that each day is a gift to be shared and enjoyed.
I miss those people who once were in my life but now have left because the journey, my journey, was too taxing for them but with their departure they made room for those who now surround me, embrace me and appreciate me.
There is not one part of my life that I do not miss but mostly I miss me. People say, "thank God they found it and you are not going to die now" but in reality I did die that day, Iam no longer the person I was. I mourn the loss of who Iwas, what I had set into motion to become. I feel like a "Jane Doe" sometimes, a woman in the morgue without anyone to claim her, anyone to give her a proper goodbye. I talk with her often and thank her for all she has left me with, survival skills and a smile. I can not think of her without smiling. I can not look at photos of her without missing her. I can not wake in the morning without feeling grateful for her hard work. I miss her, the old me.
My wife keeps reminding me that the rules have changed. Instead of trying to be superman and succeed at everything, now "Survival is Success for Some".
So, she tells me "Enjoy what you got or you'll get nothing."
Lori, my avm was diagnosed at age 16 after I had a cerebral hemorrhage. I had no last deficits at the time but was told I was a walking time bomb. At age 18 I had surgery to remove the avm. That surgery left me with lower right leg paralysis. I am now 66 years old, I have 5 adult children, a dozen grandchildren, have attended college and worked as a nurse and nurse practitioner for several years, all of which I am very grateful for.Not sure what I would want to change right now. I'm very grateful to be alive! Terri B
I can relate too. I keep telling everyone I haven't changed but I know I have. You're on the money. I wish I didn't have fears like I do now. Every day I get headaches and I wonder if it'll happen again. I missed my flight back home last week and instead my husband drove me 7 hours at the very last minute when I was afraid to get on the plane in fear that something bad was going to happen to me with all the pressure in my head.
This completely resonated with me and brought both me and my husband to tears. I felt like you wrote all the feelings that have been in my head over this past 14 months. Thank you for sharing!
I’m 34, I had my AVM 3 years ago, I hate that day…October 22, 2011, Wednesday was the day 3 years ago. I’m soooooo glad that I lived, mine was a baseball size, I walk, but its not right, my right hand is useless, yesterday I couldn’t read, yet today I can…I shouldn’t be alive, but my stubbornness and God made it so I can be here for my children. Thank you for posting this, it’s good yet saddening to know someone that knows how I feel. I really haven’t had people leave me, I’m glad that they don’t understand, they are encouraging, yet, they don’t get it. When the tears come the thoughts, and pictures of prestroke, all I have to do is gling to God, and He holds me.
You are amazing to be able to write like you have here. I am truly sorry you had to endure this experience but I like who you are now. I like the way you express and explain this experience. May God continue to heal you. Again, I think the new you is quite amazing.
I agree with both you and Lea . I miss my old me but don’t miss the stresses I had. It sounds silly but I miss going out to watch bands, drinking, talking spit to strangers without being scared of everyone and overwhelmed by strangers or even too many people I know in one room.
Seems like a give and take. But my aneurism forgot to let me choose which ones would change.
It saddens me but then I feel guilt for feeling like this when I know so many haven’t made it or come out physically unchanged.
It’s a toss up of a total loss of indepence and gratitude that I’ve had people around to take care of me.
Beautifully written. And like dancermom said, it will resonate with many, including myself. I do miss the old me and all that I should have accomplished when I could have. Now that I can't I'm angry that I didn't, does that make sense? The new me is different for sure but she still feels grateful. Thanks for sharing.
That was beautiful, written so eloquently!! I feel I have changed since my last embolization. My children think my personality has changed. The post-op complications of multiple blood clots, vision loss, and pulmonary embolisms have taken a toll on me. Don't get me wrong; I feel VERY lucky. I have minimal deficits, that being the loss of left sided vision. With that loss comes a loss of independence; I live in the country and cannot drive. My husband is "driving Miss Crazy" everywhere I have to go. Again, I feel very lucky.. I'm still here and still have a sense of humor!! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. God bless you.
So beautiful and so well described. I, too miss the me I once was. I miss the life I had and the people who I thought would always be a part of it but didn't stay. I always wonder which is worse. Having your dreams come true and then losing them or never having your dreams come true at all. I mourn for the person I was and sometimes feel that I'm the only one who knows she's gone.
This touched my heart heavy,what an amazing person you are to be able to find the right words for your feelings..Awesome, I'm 52 and was a A RFG&Siding contractor for 27 yrs, you have put into words so many mutual feelings. Thank you, I miss me so much too..divorced since,lost my best friend from cancer and also my golden retriever from cancer. Sometimes it can be hard looking back but I am still grateful.Thank you for sharing this, you really made my day.God bless you
Well-expressed. I identify with a lot of what you say. But stop living in the past. There's lots ahead of you. Don't dwell on dreams, and forget to live...:)
I miss the old me too! The old me felt normal. An AVM survivor told me back in the beginning it would be a new kind of normal and it's true. Sadly my brother has said he does not recognise me. Yes I have changed. Thankfully there are good friends who appreciate the new me. A near death gives you amazing hindsight and also foresight. And there are still possibilities. I thought my life was over. I was 34 but this week I turn 40, I'm married with 3 year old twins, I work part time and I am AVM free. Believe in yourself, stay positive, never give up and remember you are here because you are meant to be. The new you is better than no you xo
You've articulated exactly how I have felt every day since I woke up in the hospital after my rupture.
I do miss the old me, because she is a different person than I am now. But I am grateful to her for many things. And I am so very thankful for the chance to still be here to get used to being this new person.
