In one month I head to Boston to get detailed imaging done. The Doctor said that the AVM may be operable since the anatomical characteristics created a “surgical corridor” that he can operate within and not displace any elegant matter. My worry is that I won’t make it one more month to Boston. I constantly fear that this small shimmer of hope will be interrupted by another stroke. I know the logic of staying in the present moment - and when I can exist in it I do - but I feel like this is something that I can’t meditate my way out of. Meditation is a good adjunct, but I when I put my head down at night I’m terrified. It feels paradoxical that a disease that would benefit from a good night’s rest keeps me from sleeping. Hope everyone is surviving out there.
I had to wait several months from formal diagnosis to embolization and I completely understand the bother of trying to sleep when you’re worried that each week that goes by it is presumably getting a bit higher risk.
My strategy was to find a project to do, one that needed me to think. It’s not a perfect strategy but I feel it helped a little: “empty vessels make more noise” is a criticism my grandparents used to have of small boys who didn’t spend enough time thinking before speaking. I tend to feel that empty minds fill with unwelcome thoughts, so keeping busy is as good a part of the plan as anything.
I’m pleased to be able to tell you that I got through the whole experience nearly nine or ten years ago (depending on whether you start counting from when I first was suspicious that something was wrong or from the operation itself). In general, I’d say if I can get through this stuff, anyone can.
Hang in there! If you get things going on that seem serious, get yourself to the Emergency Room: nobody is going to criticise you if you’ve got something obvious and worrying going on. Otherwise, keep a bit busy.