Relationship Breakdown

I had been with my partner for two and a half years when my AVM first appeared. My partner was great, stayed with me through the whole thing was a pillar of support.

So why do I find myself distancing myself from him in the 4 months ensuing this experience?
I love him, but I won´t let myself get close to him. I can´t speak to him, I just shut him out.
We live together but every time he is around me I feel irritated by him, and when he´s not there it never feels like its long enough.
Why am I behaving so destructively towards him? Why is this happening, that I am pushing away the person I love and that has always been there for me?
Can I change this?

You’ve been through a lot medically. I believe it’s almost as important to address the emotional and mental side of AVMs as well. My wife chose to get some counseling following the appearance of her AVM. It’s a potentially life changing/ending ordeal and she (as well as our whole family who did some counseling sessions) really benefited from the sessions. Suffering from Depression or Anxiety is not that much of a stretch for AVM peoples.

While I would never recommend self treatment for mental health issues, my counselor recommended I get and study a book by Dr David D. Burns called The Feeling Good Handbook. Following several sessions years later when I was suffering from depression, I read the book, and took the written tests for Depression and Anxiety. I take those two tests about every six months (or when I think about it) and compare my latest score with my previous scores. For me, at the time I started the counseling, I would have answered NO if asked if suffered from depression or anxiety, when in reality, I was off the charts with it!

I would encourage you to seek a competent counselor and go from there. Based on what you discover about yourself there, you might want to get the book I recommended.

I wish you well.

Ron, KS

Apples and Oranges,
I have to completely agree with Ron,KS. I also suffer depression and anxiety issues along with my avm. I have had the same thoughts and feelings you are experiencing with my partner. We have been together for over five years and even though I have had my problems longer than our relationship, he still will take care of me when needed or just be there for me. But, still occasionally I have the thoughts or feelings. My reply is dragging now so, anyways I think you could benefit from counseling. Good Advice from Ron,Ks. I second it as I said before. Maybe you could even talk to your neurologist about it, I did mine and she recommended me to a good therapist. Hope all goes well and try to remember it’s not him! It will be hard sometimes I know! LOL
Take Care

Thks for the confirmation Shelia.

Sometimes, life’s a b***h and it’s a struggle for us to figure out how to handle it. And a lot of our emotions happen for reasons that are not entirely clear to us.

The handbook I mentioned (don’t buy his companion book, just get the workbook, as they are mostly redundant) is an easy read with minimal techo-babble, and the chapters are organized so you can read any section as a stand alone. I read it cover to cover. With the examples he uses, it’s a forehead slapper as in “Gee, that makes so much sense.”

It might not be for everyone, and again, its not a replacement for competent counseling, but it sure did enlighten me.

Ron, KS