I am happy it's the new year, 2011.
I m looking forward to many new challenges to over come and with lots of hard work beat.
I think of what I over came last year and it actually alot.
Last year I was:
Still using a catheder. - To get away that, I had to strengthen my bladder muscles. I had to do in out cathderes for a long time. I think it took me 6 months to even go to the bathroom on my own. A nurse taught my fiance how to do them and I remember he scrapped my insides so bad I screamed and a nurse took over, but pretty soon after that I was scared but he was great. I remember feeling like I was never going to go on my own, but after some tears and determination I can do it on my own.
In a wheelchair. - I am still battling this one, I hope I'll win and never have to use one again. One thing Ive learned about strokes is I can usually achieve something if I have the muscle to do it. I was in the hospital for over 2 months paralized and I lost 24lb of muscle. I am currently up to 15lbs of muscle loss and Im trying to gain it back. I refuse to use the wheelchair in my house, it wasnt comfy but a step in the right direction. It took me well over a year to start using my cane but could walk small distances and I would until Id get further and further. Now Id be ok with a wheeled walker but I can only go about 1 1/2 hours before Im ready to fall over. I do 40 mins a day 4 days on 1 day off treadmill, 60 squats, 60 x 5 ball exercises, 60 clams and 40 leg raises. I am hoping all this will help me to walk again. I hate exercising and I probably complian eachtime before I start doing anything, I thank my friends and family for being so supportive, whether they had to wait 10 mins for something that could have been done normally in 2 mins because I wanted to do it standing. It helped alot.
Have a shower, standing up. - I bought some sticky pads and placed them in my tub so I wouldnt slip. I was and still am recomended to use a bath bench full time. To tell you the truth I thnk I used it 2 or 3 times and had Jason take it out. I decided if I couldn't stand to wash myself I'd sit on the floor. Now I say safety first and am scared of falling in the bathroom because I fell twice in there really hurting my hand. If I had been like 80 I imagine I would have broke it. CAREFUL if you ever attempt this! I have probably fallen 4 times in total where I have hurt myself pretty bad, 1 thing I have learned is safety and how important it is, no matter how determind you are, you wont beable to help yourself hurt, it could put your recovery back weeks. I can now have a standing shower if I want to have 1, with the use of a grab bar we had instuled.
Holding my and playing with my son.- It took months of therapy and pillow holding which I thought at the time was rediculous. If there is one major thing I will reccomned its doing the therapy reccomnded to you. It may seem stupid but most of it has a spacific point. I cant express how stupid and pointless I thought it was that Id have sessions where we'd bat around a balloon together. I used to think what a waste of time. But I later found out that was a test on how fast my reflexes was, to see if I could drive again. I wish someone told me so I woulda taken that test more seriously, I failed it and now they say I'll never drive again. I probably could not hold my son for about 6 months. People could prop him on me laying down, him on a pillow. It was soothing to both of us. Gave me something to really fight for inside me. I remember when I was in rehab that while I had an O.T. working with me to hold my son my physo was helping me learn how to go from sitting to on the floor on your knees so I could play with him. This was super scary for me, I was worried Id fall on my face, but after a couple weeks of working on it and lots of homework I could do it.
Talking. - Last year I could barely talk, I remember I was just working on sounds. It was super frustrating, I could not say what I wanted for the life of me. I just practiced the speech therapy that was given to me. I also tried to be on the phone as much as possible. If someone called even if I knew they probably wouldnt understand me Id talk. It was probably the most frustrating, if I wasnt biting myself then people wouldnt understand me and just guess as what I was saying. I remember Id get super upset but just remind myself that they cared otherwise they wouldnt be there, or even caring enough to try to figure me out. I still have issues with this and hopefully next year they will be gone.
Swallowing. - I couldnt even eat or drink. It was super hard, I thought I would be suck not being able to eat or swallow ever without choking or coughing. I avoided food that made me cough or choke. It's been over a year and I still havent really eaten cereal or eaten anything hot or too cold. I burned myself really badly so I never eat anything hot or to cold just in case.
Relationship. - I wish I could say that my relationship did not suffer because of this AVM bleed, but it did. I am hoping this year I will be clear minded enough to see issues that are real and not just ones I think are real. Jason has been very patient through all this and we have both had instances where we have shown sides of ourselves we care no one else to know. We care about eachother alot so instead of calling it quits when the going got tough we stuck together. We had to seek counsilling (which I did not believe in) and it worked. We not only seen a change in eachother but others did as well. I am hoping 2011 will be much easier on our relationship and what we have been through wont happen again.
Fatigue. - Now this is another one I couldn't see getting better. Working out on a treadmill almost everyday and trying to do things I used to do for fun. When I first got out of the hospital I realized that this stressed me out alot.... It must have stressed out Jay. His fiance, the mother of his child, just came out of a coma where I was alive, I was just a shell of what I used to be before. I was me but I couldn't communicate so only I knew I was still me inside. I imagine this was scary. I couldn't even hold my own baby, that's how rocked this stroke left me. I decided that since we are a younger couple that as soon as we could get out and do regular things the better. At first we had close friends over for dinner, the food how ever was usually to much or too rich for me so I sometimes used to eat and then get sick! It was pretty tramatizing for me, without any warning at all I'd just get sick where ever I was. Thank god that's over. It probably happened 4 times but I was worried it would happen all the time. I went to the drive in movie theatre so we could get out and I wouldnt have to move much. I forced my self out to concerts phoning ahead most of the time to see if they were wheelchair friendly. I seen two comedy shows with Jay and his friends and did pumpkin patches with my son and our friends. I decided that the stroke might have taken alot from me but I was gonna fight for anything I could do as hard as it was. I did all this stuff and weddings, bbqs after a day of working out. I came up with excuses why I couldn't do some of these things but Jay seen the anxiety in my eyes and made me do things saying I should just try, we could leave anytime. I think half of the stuff I ended up doing was to show him I couldn't handle it, I even suprised myself, pleasantly enough I could handle it when I honestly thought I couldn't. But through all this I did improve, things did get a bit better. My energy went from staying in bed all day and being carried around to how I am now. Im still pretty messed up still, but doing alot better than before. I was at about 1/8 of energy where when even rolling over was hard. Now I am walking with a cane, watching my baby when Jay is at work, doing all my theripys and now Im focusing on laundry and playing with my dogs outside, and my energy is 3/8 ths, I hope this will be even better next year.
Emotions. - I used to have major issues with crying infront of anyone or getting upset. I used to get hurt feelings over the smallest things. I had communication issues so I thought I could read body language fluently. I remember Jay and I got in a fight over him crossing his legs away from me when we were watching a movie. I went to my Dr because I wanted to prove Jay wrong when he said I was dead wrong about not liking me because his legs were crossed the wrong way. The Dr tried to convince me I was mistaken, but I wouldn't hear it. The Dr explained that I honestly believed what my brain was telling me even if it was wrong. So I took this into consideration the best I could, considering if I was too tired I couldnt even really think straight. Jay took this into consideration too, thank god.