Hey Mike,
I’ve been watching from the background here and although DickD hasn’t ‘…set Merl (@ModSupport) on you…’ 
I’ll put in my 10 cents worth into the conversation.
From my experience none of us have exactly the same symptoms, treatments nor outcomes, so trying to gauge our personal situations verses another patient’s is near on impossible. Although some neuros have the ‘All fixed’ mentality, the processes/surgeries they put us through may well ‘treat’ the initial cause, the flow on effects of some treatments can be MASSIVE. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been given the ‘all fixed’ line, only to find, it ain’t ‘all fixed’ at all.
“Merl is very happy to say what not taking it easy – or pushing yourself too much – is like. And it ain’t pretty.”
“…it ain’t pretty.” ??? I’ll correct that… … its %$#^&*# UGLY. Now, I did a stupid, dumb, idiotic thing. I tried to measure up to others both in their activity and expectations. ‘Well, if ‘John’ can, so can I…’ The fact that ‘John’ hasn’t had major neurosurgery didn’t come into my thinking. The other (dumb) thing I did was compare my abilities before to my abilities after “I could before, so I can now…” and I pushed to achieve those goals. DUMB, DUMB, DUMB. My tolerances and my abilities had all changed.
Look, I can sit here and say all of this now. At the time I was telling myself I was building up tolerance, but the more I pushed, the more my body pushed back. But I wanted it right and I wanted it right NOW!!! And I didn’t listen to my body. It was telling me, but getting back to ‘normal’ was my goal. The brain ain’t like a muscle, so flexing it, pushing it to the limit doesn’t help. That I can guarantee you. I ended up back in hospital needing further surgery.
That ‘Honesty’ thing, hmmmm. I had and I suppose to a point still do, have a habit of wearing masks (metaphorically) ie People ask how you are? and with a fake smile, you grit your teeth and say ‘Yea, I’m fine…’ when the reality is far from fine. I had some good masks, but my wife could see through them, damn it. My eyes give it away and for those who know… …it’s a dead giveaway. For a while there I had the idea that if she thought I was OK, I must be OK. I can look back now and say I was only fooling myself, because she knew her favourite line became “I told you so…”
That ‘acceptance’ thing Ohh, that was a hard pill to swallow. I didn’t want to accept THIS. The reality was I had no choice, but THIS, no way. It was actually the wife who put a stop to it. She could see what I was doing to myself by pushing all of my limits, so could I even if I did want to acknowledge it. But having it pointed out was a bit confronting and from there I (reluctantly) started to accept. Even today, 7yrs on from my last surgery I still battle with this. If the planets all align my meds are up, my symptoms are down, my pain is manageable, I can get things done BUT If I become symptomatic I know, those symptoms are only going to progress the more I continue. Sometimes, that can be manageable but sometimes my body tells me in no uncertain terms “Laydown or I’ll put you down” and it puts me down HARD
DickD’s line: “The key is not to overdo it. I guess the only ones who know if we are doing too much is us. If we are honest with ourselves”. Says it all really.
Says some idiot who didn’t listen.
Merl from the Moderator Support Team
