My AVM & brain surgery/damage, with miraculous recovery, I still find a lack of acceptance of my condition. 3yrs & 5mths ago was my surgery & after 3mths in hospital it took a long time to re-learn to speak & re-learn everything again. I was able to learn to live alone, catch buses, cook all those things we used to take for granted. I stay as positive as I possible can, but Sunday night has just about broken my heart.
On Saturday I had a seizure (nothing new there) and Sunday I had a big day with my family & 4 grandchildren which was lovely, especially as 2 of my grandchildren I don't see often as my son has moved interstate and his ex-wife doesn't let us see them often, so it was a real treat! So my friend (only a friend) had called & asked could I see tem & she said yes which was great. That night I was very tired & my son called me and was VERY angry with me as he thinks I talked to his ex-wife about things about him & his new wife. I told him that of course I didn't. He said that with "my brain" I would forget what I said and that I could only see the children when he fly's up to see them and that my friend isn't allowed to be anywhere near his children!!
I know I forget things, but deep in my heart, I know all I did was pick up and take the children back. Now, I will rarely see them and my SON thinks I am stupid. What on earth can I do, I really don't know!!
Wow, doesn't sound like a fun situation. Sorry, I got nothing to suggest.
From what you posted, I'm not sure talking with him about it will do any good.
Best wishes,
Ron, KS
Lesley my dear, all I can offer is is understanding and acceptance. I know exactly what you are going through although the circumstances aren't nearly the same. I'm often purposely excluded from conversations beause my family or friends will assume I'm not going to remember. Or I'll be told I use my "random memory" as an convenient excuse. It's frustrating, I know. It feels like we're being treated like children. Give your son some time. Perhaps with time will come understanding. Also know that all of us here are always accepting.
Lesley,
I echo the others in giving your son time to come around.
In the meantime, can you email, snail mail, etc. your grandkids, just to keep some contact?
Take care.
Hey Lesley - I’m sorry to hear of this. Sometimes people don’t understand even though it would be really nice if they did.
I try to keep in mind that whatever is said or done by another person has more to do with that person and you just so happen to be the one conveniently near-by to blame it on.
Although this may not be of much help, a favorite saying of mine (1 of like 500 btw):
This too shall pass-and it passes quicker when you let it go.
Until you feel better, power on,
Julie
Hello my dear friend...so sad to read your discussion.
Remember although your thoughts and speech may be slower than usual because of your frequent seizures, you are a caring, loving,intelligent and logical woman. Nothing you have thrown at you will ever change your beautiful inner self.
You have done no wrong in wanting to see your grandchildren and of cause speaking to their mother. Be confident in yourself it is your son who has been inconsiderate and hurtful. NOT YOU.
In my opinion there is no way can he direct when you see your grandchildren. If you want to see them get your friend to ring his ex again and arrange it. From what you have told me they love him too and he is also entitled to see them. How can your son say you both cannot see them without his OK? When he has moved away from them and left them basically in the total care of his ex. In their probable insecurity your grandchildren need you!
Believe in yourself! Do what you think is right and to hell with what your son thinks.
God Bless
Frizza16
Hi Lesley. The only thing I can suggest, regarding your memory, is to write things down as soon as you can. That way you have a record of what was said. I will try to do things as I remember them or make a list with the things I have to do so as not to forget. Now I have to remember to make the list. Good luck.
Greg
So very sorry to hear that you have to endure such emotional and family Stress Lesley :(! After all that you have amazingly persevered thru, you shouldn't have to go thru so much turmoil to see your precious grandchildren and friends. What on earth can you do? NOT a thing sweetie!!! You haven't done anything wrong and should feel great about taking the time to spend time with your grandchildren.
Peace be Yours!!!
Michele
Lesley,
Would it possibly help if you drafted a letter to your Son explaining your AVM situation and that you don't ever plan to share info with his Ex about him, but that you just want to have a typical grandmother role with their kids?
You could spend some time writing it. It sounds to me that with his anger, you would never be able to have a discussion about it with him.
Maybe even write it to each of them; I mean the message is the same to each of them: All you want to do is have a good relationship with each of them AND your Grandkids. What happened or didn't happen between your son and his wife is water under the bridge and of no consequence to you now--other than being able to continue to love and enjoy the grandkids......................
Based on what you have written, I wouldn't hold my breath, but it might be worth a shot, especially if one or both of them try to cut you off from them.
If it's in your skill, I'd write to each of the grandkids once a month, never forgetting their birthday, school activity, whatever, so that you can keep the communication lines open with the grandkids. At some point as they mature, they can decide on their own to maintain contact with you.
Hope this helps.
Ron, KS
Hi Lesley. We know you are not stupid. Life has hit you with several obstacles that no ordinary stupid person could have have survived. A stupid person would have given up…something you have never done! I think at some point your son will apologize!
I am willing to bet that your son has no idea of the number of members you have helped on here! I think you are an amazing person!
I think this type of family situation is very common, Lesley, and could easily have happened even if you never had an AVM. Generally, the wife's insecurities are behind it all somehow, and the son by phoning up and yelling is doing what she wants and may in fact be acting against his own better judgment. (I saw this happen to my own mom a bunch of times, almost always right after a family visit.)
What I learned in my own family is that there's not much you can do when your kids are threatening to withhold the grandkids; it really doesn't matter how you act, as the parents can be as arbitrary as they please about letting the grandkids visit or not. Ron's advice about staying in touch with the kids by writing letters is good; the kids can generally see through the drama. Please don't make the mistake of believing that you somehow "earned" the angry phone call; you didn't.
Trish, thank you! I didn't realize it but I needed understanding and acceptance and here, is the only place to get it. I'm very grateful to you!
Thank you Patti. Yes, I can and will snail mail my first 2 of 4 grandchildren. My writing isn't great but I don't think they would care about that at all :)
Hey jules-babe. Thank you for your message, and yes, this too will pass!
Thank you frizza16. There are many things I would like to do, but I need to be very careful because it is always the children who get hurt & these two darlings hurt the most.
Thank you Greg. I do my best to write things done as soon as possible but sometimes it's just "gone"! I love you having to remember to make the list!
Thank you Michelle for your lovely message!
Ron, I have decided to write (type) to my son and you have just given me words that I could use as I'm not good with they yet.
I will write to my grandchildren monthly and I know what after school activities they do. I believe we will keep the communication lines open, as I spent a lot of times with them both until their parents parted.
Thank you so much Ron, I am very grateful!
Barbara, thank you. You are a wonderful lady and always make me feel better!
Thank you dear Ninibeth....I think you are right!!